| heres comething that really touched my heart...a good friend posted this on her xanga and it was really touching... lemme know what you think
so i really want to get all my feelings out... this whole keeping it to myself thing is just making it worse.
i wouldnt be making a big deal out of something that doesnt matter. but you know what, you did matter to me. and thats a lot more than i can say for you.
you hurt me so many times, even when we didnt fight. you broke up with me twice, but you broke my heart more. i shouldve learned, but no. all i did was come back to you, wanting more.
the second time, you told me how someday we would be together again. you told me how much you had loved me. you couldnt imagine how happy i was. until i found out it was all a lie. and im really sorry to ami, i didnt know you guys were going out until then, i swear. but how did you think i felt... you told me so many lies, and all the while you were going out with her??? it would have been better if you hadnt tried to protect me. but you almost killed me. you killed my heart.
i still went crawling back to you, once again. it didnt matter how much you lied, how many girls you fantisized about, how you treated me. i STILL believed your lies. i thought you had really loved me like i loved you. i believed it. i wanted to make sure that you wouldnt get hurt this time. i made sure that i was what you really wanted. i made sure you knew that i wouldnt see you as much as you wanted, with sports, school and all. it was wierd for me, being alone with you on dates. its not like i didnt want to be with you. you told me that i was the first girl you had been alone with on a "real date", and that was after NINE other girls. you were my first boyfriend, and it was wierd for me, but i thought you understood. but i still agreed to see you alone, because you told me it was fine and we would go out with my friends but "sneek off" together and be with each other. thats what you told me, and thats what i needed to hear before we went back out. i knew it couldve been a problem, so i wanted to clear it up.
in all our months together, you must have asked me on a real date all of 3 times. maybe 4. it was wierd, but i didnt want to admit it, i didnt know what you would say, you would just yell at me again. i realize now that i shouldve been purely honest with you though. we did go places alone though, even if you deny it. we did. do you understand that i asked you to go with me and my friends because i was comfortable with that? if you had wanted to go somewhere with me, then maybe you shouldve asked me. but im not like you. i cant just ditch my friends. they mean the world to me, and i dont think you understood that. i wasnt going to ditch my friends for you. they wouldnt have understood, even though you thought they would. i know youre mad because you ditched yours, but if you ever said, "i think im going to hang with my friends this weeked, is that ok?" that would have been PERFECTLY fine with me. i would have understood. sure my friends can be stuck up and selfish about me, but my friends are exaclty like me. i would do that to their bfs too. they werent the only ones being selfish about me though... you were too.
i felt like i couldnt breathe without you. but with you, i couldnt breathe either. you always wanted me to yourself. you always expected so much from me and you knew it. you covered up by blaming yourself. you dont understand how much i hated myself for that. it was never your fault when you said it was.
i finally couldnt take the arguing and selfishness. so i broke it off. im still not sure if i did the right thing.
im not afraid. i will admit. I LOVED YOU LIKE NOTHING ESLE IN THIS WORLD. i didnt know if i could be happy without you. i miss you, who you were, how you loved me. it may have all been a lie to you, but it was the best lie in the world.
here is where my "friends" come in. i know some of them have always been close to you. im not saying i never wanted them to be. i was jealous, they knew more about you than i did. they knew things about you before i did. you were so open with them, but you werent as open with me. i always wondered what was wrong with me... what did they have that i didnt? i never saw your hidden relationships with them, i never knew how much you knew them. how close you were, but it turns out you were very close. and now, some pick you over me. and i can now see my TRUE friends. but think about how much that hurt me. first i lost you, and then i lost my friends? do you know how bad that hurts? to lose the closest people in your lives? you were one of them, one of my best friends, but i dont think you ever knew that.
after we broke up, people started saying things to me and about me... not just online, it happend at school to. rumors.. there werent a lot, but they were there.
on top of all this, you say it was the biggest mistake in your life. as hard as i try not to believe you, i cant help but wonder if this was the first time you werent lying to me... was i just someone you felt like having a little fun with? to me, i thought you loved me. i actually believed that you cared. maybe, for the first time in my life, someone cared about me and thought about me. maybe. but now, im not sure. you practically hate me, and i dont know why. and i hate myself for that. if it was because i broke up with you... then why didnt i ever feel like that those other two times? they just insured my love for you, i knew it was real. you didnt think what we had was real though. like when you said you loved me... was that another lie? it was so hard to trust you anymore, you had lied to me so much. i had NEVER lied to you, and it made me wonder. how could someone i cared so much about, lie to me like that?
i loved you so much. its gone now. my love isnt gone. youre gone.and you hate me.and i have never cried so much over one person. i have never smiled so much over one person. i have never gotten angry so much at one person. i have never loved so much one person.
i am not going to ask for you back. i didnt know if its right, because its not what you want. im pretty sure you already have a girl in mind. and yes. i will hate her. not forever, but for a while. shes not going to fight with you. shes going to spend all her time with you. shes going to call you every night no matter what. she wont care about war, the enviornment, politics, abused women, and all that crap. shes only going to care about you, and only you. until then, i thank you.
thank you for all that you have done for me, for all that you have taught me. even thought you didnt care, you were the best liar. thank you for letting me love you. thank you ___fill in the blank___. |
